For the Former Love of My Life

I used to think I loved you

With those sad-soul eyes

And the guitar

You would talk to me

And my soul would flutter with reckless abandon

And the music in my head

You were my rock star

And the electric sex

Or at least what you had convinced me

I couldn’t give you more than my everything

So I began stealing from others

Hopes and dreams

I had none of my own

I was so enveloped within the aura of innocence

That you helped me nail and hammer together

I went on after we were through

And I made mistakes

With the burden of the loss of you

To find that you had married

Had children

Disastrous game of truth or dare

It seemed

More mistakes I made with clouded judgment

And little care

And I quickly was married

And it was painful

Because I thought I still wanted you

To others it was disdainful

And he thought I was nothing with no hope for repair

And he threw punches with free will at the empty despair

The hue of the aura of my love for you

Was now a shameful black and blue

There was a time that I thought that we’d find our way back

Set the place settings, clear the table

Hit the sack

Together

But I was wrong

You were never meant to be part and parcel of eternity with me

I made more mistakes

Became the spring of life for three

But never forgetting about us

Damn this life

Forget you I must

Hungry to

Chew up the memory of you

Into unrecognizable doubt

Or send it off in an emptier vessel

I have other memories and regrets to work out

I think I’m tried of thinking this through

I loved with a love that wasn’t true love

And yes, what a tangled web we weave

When we lie to ourselves yet still believe

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12 thoughts on “For the Former Love of My Life

  1. Thank you and sorry for making you cry. It was about the first guy I ever loved…we spent 9 years together…still trying to purge it even though we split back in 1996.

  2. It’s okay, I haven’t had a good cry in awhile. I tenhd to need one with all of the bottling it up I do. And I’m sorry for the loss of love. First love is next to impossible to erase, and I’m still not certain one can ever forget it entirely.

  3. I know, and I have tried and even after hearing some awful things he had done behind my back, I still am like damn why can’t we find our way back? Blah, i never learn.

  4. What a wonderful poem of great honesty and reflections. I almost didn’t want to continue reading, as I began to feel that honesty laid bare, incase I was intruding. Really nice piece!

  5. Thank you. If I have it in my blog it is fair game to read….but I know what you mean, sometimes the rawness feels too sacred to finish reading…saw that in someone else’s blog and was wondering if I should continue reading it.

  6. This one came as a surprise today…haven’t done much thinking about him…thought I was over it all…it’s been 16 years since we split…hopefully with each revisit it will get easier…You are so wise.

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